New Blog, New Song

Okay so i wanted another space to ramble. I noticed a trend in this blog that it was somewhat personal, relating to my life. Thus, i have created a new blog on Wordpress which is more general, profound if you will, rambilings. The purpose of the new blog is to share my perspective on life etc, hence it's title "Perspective at 5'2" High".

The web address for said blog is: pinchh.wordpress.com - short and sweet.. Like me..

MEANWHILE, i wrote a song for my next solo charity performance at the end of July.
If you are going to read into the meaning, N.B, this isnt actually how i feel. It just makes for a good song. Sorry if you thought i was a deep, poetic induvidual. Poetic perhaps, but purely on a fictional level.

Little Girl (Capo 1)Ukulele, Slow Calipso/Emphasised fingerpick
D, A, Bm, GNever asked for much, no you didnt
So when this came allong, thought your prayers
had been answered, answered, answered
Been waiting so long for him to come home, you see-
Always waiting on a boy to also want
mutually, mutually, oh
Bm, ALittle girl, you're always on time
But with this it'll never be right
D, A, Bm, GSkip the present, skip to when he's back
in the meantime think of all those future
plans, plans, future plans
Your mama's worried, you won't talk at home
she dosen't understand you can only be with him
alone, alone, oh
Bm, ALittle girl, it's in your head
Why dont you speak about your feelings instead?
Friends have asked, why are you so sad?
No point in trying - - Her Mind's gone-
D, A, Bm, GAway, away, away
away, away, away
away, away, away
away, oh
D, A, Bm, GWrapped in fiction, time has passed
still far too long until you see his face
at last, at last, at last
You're missing out, locked in your room
all you wish is for him to come back to you
soon, soon, oh
Bm, ALittle girl, can't you see?
Is it worth being so unappy?
Friends have asked, why are you so sad?
No point in trying - - Her Mind's gone-
D, A, Bm, GAway, away, away
away, away, away
away, away, away
away, oh
He's gone
away, away, away
away, away, away
He won't be back to
stay, stay, stay
stay, stay, stay-
Is it worth the heart
is it worth the pain
is it woth the lonely nights
crying 'til your pillow's stained?
Little girl the things you do for love
Little girl, haven't you had enough?
Bm, ALittle girl, so full of hope
I promise it will end, he will show

(Not) Okay.

Well i had intended to post many moths ago. My draft was saved onto my fesicious laptop and since then has evaporated, so the first part of this post is an overview of what has happened and collective thoughts on the past ages up to the recent events of the past couple of days:

(NB - keeping a journal to use as reference is extrememly handy. Also, this hasnt been drafted so just live with your anger at my typos, spelling errors, etc)

a)i)- Travel (and a little tourism)

Im not one to do much, ever, but come feburary time i had traveleled collectively over 1000 miles. One third accompanied by my dear friend Katrina where we voyaged to Oxford City (a personal favorite of mine, architecturally and generally aesthetically) where we attended a gig at the grand city hall to see Stornoway - a rapidly rising-to-stardom-and-popularity folk band of whom we have adored for a few years now. We stayed overnight with slight grief from the lady at the TravelSmodge who was very informative of all the "big burly security men" they had on call as we didnt look of legal age to be staying there without a responsible adult. Despite the somewhat stressful experience on the tube itself, my worry of not being able to navagate london underground was unnecesary.

- a)ii) Falifornia

For the second part of my half term, I traveled back over to the other side of the country (within a few days of my Oxford trip) to see my love of mine. The journey took some 12 hours there, and 14 back again. Yes, it was horrible, but also, so very worth it. You can only know so much about places and people that have been described numerous times but you cannot know it/them truly until youve been there. You cant know until you've met them. Being the other side of England was like being at the end of the earth in a little Falmouth bubble - a seperate reality. Unfortunately certain elements of said realities had to overlap and i was obliged to revise for my studies whilst my host attended various lectures etc. I wouldnt have minded hadn't i been home alone with flairing IBS.

b) Mapped out?

Thats another thing. They've figured out all that is wrong with my mashed up insides. A diagnosis to one element is that i am doomed to live a potatoless life, as i have IBS. I have medication i infrequently take (Sorry, its just difficult to determine and countdown to when your next meal will be when you have temprarily lost your sense of hunger). Symptoms when looked at collectively seemed somewhat serious (hence my somewhat depressing few posts(ish)) but are no longer thought of as linked. A few scary moments later and now i can go back to not giving a crap.

c) Ooo, Friend!

I find it funny, and it a little bit of a gift that i have the ability to feel perfectly comfortalble with people i haven't spoken to properly or seen physically for months on end. My oldest and dearest friend came to stay with me last weekend and it was as if we had only said goodbye the previous day. I love the ease of relationships like that. Of course i was sad to see her go, especially as her stay seemed so short, but i know that when we see eachother again in the summer months when school is out, the time inbetween will compress and our timeline will resume.

d)i) Stressball

A few things have contributed to slight meltdowns as of late.This time of year is always a little difficult, and there have been several not-so-nice things that've been shocks to the systems in terms of news. My decision to remove social media from my life for a while has greatly helped but i've still a little way to go. This is likely predominantly down to lack of revision for my exams in which i cannot let myself do anything less than what i know i am capable of. If i get less than an A in my Art&Design course i believe i will be strung up by my tutors. As for History, Product Design, Philosiphy and Ethics.. well.. excuse my crude choice of words but i may be a little.. Fucked.

d)ii) Heinous B!tch

Due to the cutting off of much of my communication i am fully aware that i may have hurt, worried, or neglected some certain induviduals, and for that i am sorry. I honestly think that what i am doing is the right thing to do right now. No, i'm not sure how it'll last but when things stop declining i'll come back in gradual steps, starting with the people i care about most. Infact, I'm writing this so hopefully those people see it in time and perhaps hopefully forgive me, perhaps try and understand.


That'll do for now. I'll write again.. whenever

Moonlight mind meandering mess

It's always the night time which is worst. My brain fires up and attempts to decimate all that is perfect in my life thus far by tugging at the loose threads to unravel the eudimonic factors that contribute to my overall happiness meter. I can fight fire with fire and simply blast over the noise with the likes of Stornoway or Sam Gray, but the fact is I seek out trouble. If something is perfect, then something must be wrong, because perfection is fiction (or at least in this earthy realm).

I spent the entire day reading. Looking for Alaska by John Green is one of those books that literally catapults you into the novel, and traveling to and from Alabama (the American state in which it is set) simply gives one jet-lag, therefore by staying in longer sittings is overall, easier. After I had read the last word, I immediately had to keep myself busy, and as a result, Blitzed my bedroom and cut out yet more of my past self, of which is now sitting in bin bags in the kitchen. I dislike looking back on my past self, so its easier to remove it. Instead, I am one to look forward, fastforward even so far ahead that I get lost for hours in my own vivid daydreams. This habit has caused me to overlook and miss tremendous details in my present, and thus has been self-deemed as something I may need to reduce doing.

If I can remember anything in life, its things which are either menial and irrelevant, some would say completely useless, or extreme epiphany-provoking moments or words or phrases. For example, in L.f.A, the word "inedible" is typed four times in the entire book, three of which inside the nickname "McInedible" in reference to a self revealing fast food chain. By memory alone I can tell you that one of the book's more well known (and in my opinion, best) quotes is situated near the bottom of Page 88. But it was page 54, in the middle that is etched in my mind the deepest. It makes everything make sense, and explains my lesser desire to plan for the future now than approximately 8 months ago. If you know me at all, you will know what's changed since then. The beautifully accurate philosophy of page 54 reveals all.

And yes, I did have a very merrily Christmas.

Perspective

I guess we all need a little perspective every now and again. I haven't been myself as of late you see, physically and mentally.

If anything good has come of this, its that I no longer think and plan in such frivolous detail. There isn't a point, it just results in unnecessary stress. I am enjoying the present, because the future is uncertain.

I don't know anything yet, results are yet to be verified and double checked and locked down diagnosis, but I'd rather prepare myself for the worst and then be relieved if it isn't the case, than thinking it'll all be okay then be pulled crashing down, and spiraling into darkness rather than easing myself into it.

So yeah, perspective. The little things don't matter anymore, but at the same time they mean the world. The things that bug me don't anymore, and the smallest of sparkles of happiness really make my day.

People wish and pray for all the bad things in their lives, and indeed the world to dissapear. I think this is wrong. You might say that "broccoli doesnt affect the taste of chocolate", but the great taste of chocolate would not be so great if it was normalized, if there was nothing to contrast it. By reducing the contrast of things, they do not become complety light, they are neutralized to grey.

Applying this, we learn that its impossible to achieve true total perfection. Imperfection is infact completely necessary. Without imperfection, we cannot see perfection. We cannot appreciate the little things, and indeed the big things without the unwanted, imperfect things.

Whatever will be, will be. All I can do is value what I have, and accept what I don't. Meanwhile, I'm doing the things I might not get a chance to, hence the knitting.

"All Hallows eve" & Alcohol

I spent the 31st at a church worship event. It was brilliant, fuel for creative fires all in the name of JC himself. I plucked away at Dakota (Delta Blue 5-String banjo) and she appeared to be quite an attraction and conversation piece.

So anyways, the eve is drawing closer, and I was meant to be going trick-or-treating with my friends I hadn't seen barely since the sunshine months. I find the concept of going round your neighbours of whom you barely nod at in the street (if you recognise them at all that is) and asking for ghastly themed confectionary somewhat odd. I decided to bail out and simply meet them later at the after party/gathering fuelled by alcohol and music I infrequently recognised.

Before I left CC, the churchy thing, I was talking to fellow Christians about what they were planning on proceeding to do thiseve. This brought about the discussion of Halloween. As a matter of fact, it is somewhat frowned upon in the Christian society. I was aware of it before but i figured it was one of those unspoken guidelines nobody pays attention to except those kebabbed by wooden poles up their exits. I don't know where i stand on it if I'm honest.

Zipping to later, I'm at the gathering. It's been a while since I have consumed alcoholic beverages, and it had escaped my memory of how pathetically tiny my liver is. I needn't elaborate further. All I know is that I woke up at around 4am in a pac-man ghost costume (pinky) and haven't been able to use my vocal chords since.

I used photographs, videos and text messages to piece together what became of my evening, and I am proud to say it was not me that half broke off the bumper of the dudes mothers truck of whom hosted the event. I will always eternally love the one that brought me a bacon sandwich when I woke up.
If I am to take anything from this, its that Mint Baileys does not mix well with Iron Bru.

Hope for my own generation?

As I have started to fall into place in my new school, new section of life, I see patterns emerging in my day to day routine.

One of them, is traveling to and from school on the public bus. Yes, the little lower school invalids have both right and reason to raise hand gestures at me through the window and refer to me as a "bus wanker", but without it I would be going nowhere fast.

There are many things I like and dislike about taking the bus, but a positive that far outweighs the negatives is simply the entertainment it provides.
I do not outright eavesdrop on the adolescent conversations, as each journey I get through at least one indie or folk album on my iPod, but sometimes at quiet bridges and song interchanges, I do have to make effort to contain my laughter and stuffle my snorts.

As amusing as their conversation is, sometimes, the Alpha male of the chav-tastic clan comes out with some rather serious and supprising statements. Not an hour ago on my last bus journey, "Brad" as the Beta male refers to him as, said this:

"Yeah I sold my X-Box. I've got much better things to do with my time than to sit on my arse playing COD. I just got so angry with it, I didn't need all the unnecessary stress."

That, right there, was raw logic.
Admittedly, that time is now spent smoking cannabis in various alleyways, but does this mark progress in shell-suit-uniformed chav mentality? If the alpha has come to that conclusion, he will have significant influence over the rest of the pack. If this means eviloution and re-moulding of minds, in aproximately 30ish years time (their generations are less spaced, as apparently the use of any form of protection during sexual intercourse "is for gays") then maybe the entire clique will join the rest of society, and our villages, towns and cities will run like clockwork.

It's just a thought, with a drop of imagination to picture a possible future, but maybe it will prevail and become reality. What a nice thought.

Meanwhile, the rest of the world is lowering its standards. Its starting with the fortune cookies.

- Pinchh

Septemberer.

Me again.

I went to the Lake District. Its beauty blew my mind.
Being a lover of photography, i went snap-happy on the lush rolling sheep-speckled landscape. However, i knew i had forgotten to pack something, so sure enough it was my camera charger, so i only grabbed a handful of pieces i am proud of.

As much as i do love the rain, i do not love an entire week of it, whilst i am on holiday, stuck with pessimistic people who dislike it somewhat. This lead to walks in the.. hydrated.. hills, with in itself led to my family (and admittedly at times, myself included) becoming delusionally bored due to the restriction on activities.
I stayed litterally on the shore of lake Windmere, in a glorified caravan/"lodge" park. The radiator in my bedroom was broken so i caught a cold which wasnt exactly fun, but it hit when i was on my last day there so it wasn't so terrible.

On the only day that there WAS a sunbeam, i flew. I ran off a cliff attatched to a paragliding wing, and i flew. It was liberating. I highly reccomend it to the non-accident-prone adrenaline junkies out there. Theres something about soaring hundreds of feet above the ground, sailing silently with the border of scotland in the horizon. I didnt want to touch my feet on the ground ever again.

Unfortunately i did have to litterally get my head out of the clouds, then return home. Today was my first day of VI form in a strange new school. Yesterday was the last day of my freedom of my childhood. Today has been somewhat surreal, and i still havent got used to saying "I used to go to <blaarg> high school". I met some truly lovely friendly people, but i still cling to high school. Don't get me wrong, i really enjoyed starting a (apologies for the true cheese in my phrasing) "new chapter" in my "book", but it is still yet to sink in that i have really "turned the page". I dont think i properly left my old school, my heart is still kinda there.
Maybe its because of all the friends and even a handful of teachers i know i miss, the familiarity, the simple knowledge of the colour scheme in the corridors, but i know that eventually i will detach myself, and this saddens me. I dont want to, not yet.

I'm not quite there yet, but i will be.