Moonlight mind meandering mess

It's always the night time which is worst. My brain fires up and attempts to decimate all that is perfect in my life thus far by tugging at the loose threads to unravel the eudimonic factors that contribute to my overall happiness meter. I can fight fire with fire and simply blast over the noise with the likes of Stornoway or Sam Gray, but the fact is I seek out trouble. If something is perfect, then something must be wrong, because perfection is fiction (or at least in this earthy realm).

I spent the entire day reading. Looking for Alaska by John Green is one of those books that literally catapults you into the novel, and traveling to and from Alabama (the American state in which it is set) simply gives one jet-lag, therefore by staying in longer sittings is overall, easier. After I had read the last word, I immediately had to keep myself busy, and as a result, Blitzed my bedroom and cut out yet more of my past self, of which is now sitting in bin bags in the kitchen. I dislike looking back on my past self, so its easier to remove it. Instead, I am one to look forward, fastforward even so far ahead that I get lost for hours in my own vivid daydreams. This habit has caused me to overlook and miss tremendous details in my present, and thus has been self-deemed as something I may need to reduce doing.

If I can remember anything in life, its things which are either menial and irrelevant, some would say completely useless, or extreme epiphany-provoking moments or words or phrases. For example, in L.f.A, the word "inedible" is typed four times in the entire book, three of which inside the nickname "McInedible" in reference to a self revealing fast food chain. By memory alone I can tell you that one of the book's more well known (and in my opinion, best) quotes is situated near the bottom of Page 88. But it was page 54, in the middle that is etched in my mind the deepest. It makes everything make sense, and explains my lesser desire to plan for the future now than approximately 8 months ago. If you know me at all, you will know what's changed since then. The beautifully accurate philosophy of page 54 reveals all.

And yes, I did have a very merrily Christmas.

Perspective

I guess we all need a little perspective every now and again. I haven't been myself as of late you see, physically and mentally.

If anything good has come of this, its that I no longer think and plan in such frivolous detail. There isn't a point, it just results in unnecessary stress. I am enjoying the present, because the future is uncertain.

I don't know anything yet, results are yet to be verified and double checked and locked down diagnosis, but I'd rather prepare myself for the worst and then be relieved if it isn't the case, than thinking it'll all be okay then be pulled crashing down, and spiraling into darkness rather than easing myself into it.

So yeah, perspective. The little things don't matter anymore, but at the same time they mean the world. The things that bug me don't anymore, and the smallest of sparkles of happiness really make my day.

People wish and pray for all the bad things in their lives, and indeed the world to dissapear. I think this is wrong. You might say that "broccoli doesnt affect the taste of chocolate", but the great taste of chocolate would not be so great if it was normalized, if there was nothing to contrast it. By reducing the contrast of things, they do not become complety light, they are neutralized to grey.

Applying this, we learn that its impossible to achieve true total perfection. Imperfection is infact completely necessary. Without imperfection, we cannot see perfection. We cannot appreciate the little things, and indeed the big things without the unwanted, imperfect things.

Whatever will be, will be. All I can do is value what I have, and accept what I don't. Meanwhile, I'm doing the things I might not get a chance to, hence the knitting.

"All Hallows eve" & Alcohol

I spent the 31st at a church worship event. It was brilliant, fuel for creative fires all in the name of JC himself. I plucked away at Dakota (Delta Blue 5-String banjo) and she appeared to be quite an attraction and conversation piece.

So anyways, the eve is drawing closer, and I was meant to be going trick-or-treating with my friends I hadn't seen barely since the sunshine months. I find the concept of going round your neighbours of whom you barely nod at in the street (if you recognise them at all that is) and asking for ghastly themed confectionary somewhat odd. I decided to bail out and simply meet them later at the after party/gathering fuelled by alcohol and music I infrequently recognised.

Before I left CC, the churchy thing, I was talking to fellow Christians about what they were planning on proceeding to do thiseve. This brought about the discussion of Halloween. As a matter of fact, it is somewhat frowned upon in the Christian society. I was aware of it before but i figured it was one of those unspoken guidelines nobody pays attention to except those kebabbed by wooden poles up their exits. I don't know where i stand on it if I'm honest.

Zipping to later, I'm at the gathering. It's been a while since I have consumed alcoholic beverages, and it had escaped my memory of how pathetically tiny my liver is. I needn't elaborate further. All I know is that I woke up at around 4am in a pac-man ghost costume (pinky) and haven't been able to use my vocal chords since.

I used photographs, videos and text messages to piece together what became of my evening, and I am proud to say it was not me that half broke off the bumper of the dudes mothers truck of whom hosted the event. I will always eternally love the one that brought me a bacon sandwich when I woke up.
If I am to take anything from this, its that Mint Baileys does not mix well with Iron Bru.

Hope for my own generation?

As I have started to fall into place in my new school, new section of life, I see patterns emerging in my day to day routine.

One of them, is traveling to and from school on the public bus. Yes, the little lower school invalids have both right and reason to raise hand gestures at me through the window and refer to me as a "bus wanker", but without it I would be going nowhere fast.

There are many things I like and dislike about taking the bus, but a positive that far outweighs the negatives is simply the entertainment it provides.
I do not outright eavesdrop on the adolescent conversations, as each journey I get through at least one indie or folk album on my iPod, but sometimes at quiet bridges and song interchanges, I do have to make effort to contain my laughter and stuffle my snorts.

As amusing as their conversation is, sometimes, the Alpha male of the chav-tastic clan comes out with some rather serious and supprising statements. Not an hour ago on my last bus journey, "Brad" as the Beta male refers to him as, said this:

"Yeah I sold my X-Box. I've got much better things to do with my time than to sit on my arse playing COD. I just got so angry with it, I didn't need all the unnecessary stress."

That, right there, was raw logic.
Admittedly, that time is now spent smoking cannabis in various alleyways, but does this mark progress in shell-suit-uniformed chav mentality? If the alpha has come to that conclusion, he will have significant influence over the rest of the pack. If this means eviloution and re-moulding of minds, in aproximately 30ish years time (their generations are less spaced, as apparently the use of any form of protection during sexual intercourse "is for gays") then maybe the entire clique will join the rest of society, and our villages, towns and cities will run like clockwork.

It's just a thought, with a drop of imagination to picture a possible future, but maybe it will prevail and become reality. What a nice thought.

Meanwhile, the rest of the world is lowering its standards. Its starting with the fortune cookies.

- Pinchh

Septemberer.

Me again.

I went to the Lake District. Its beauty blew my mind.
Being a lover of photography, i went snap-happy on the lush rolling sheep-speckled landscape. However, i knew i had forgotten to pack something, so sure enough it was my camera charger, so i only grabbed a handful of pieces i am proud of.

As much as i do love the rain, i do not love an entire week of it, whilst i am on holiday, stuck with pessimistic people who dislike it somewhat. This lead to walks in the.. hydrated.. hills, with in itself led to my family (and admittedly at times, myself included) becoming delusionally bored due to the restriction on activities.
I stayed litterally on the shore of lake Windmere, in a glorified caravan/"lodge" park. The radiator in my bedroom was broken so i caught a cold which wasnt exactly fun, but it hit when i was on my last day there so it wasn't so terrible.

On the only day that there WAS a sunbeam, i flew. I ran off a cliff attatched to a paragliding wing, and i flew. It was liberating. I highly reccomend it to the non-accident-prone adrenaline junkies out there. Theres something about soaring hundreds of feet above the ground, sailing silently with the border of scotland in the horizon. I didnt want to touch my feet on the ground ever again.

Unfortunately i did have to litterally get my head out of the clouds, then return home. Today was my first day of VI form in a strange new school. Yesterday was the last day of my freedom of my childhood. Today has been somewhat surreal, and i still havent got used to saying "I used to go to <blaarg> high school". I met some truly lovely friendly people, but i still cling to high school. Don't get me wrong, i really enjoyed starting a (apologies for the true cheese in my phrasing) "new chapter" in my "book", but it is still yet to sink in that i have really "turned the page". I dont think i properly left my old school, my heart is still kinda there.
Maybe its because of all the friends and even a handful of teachers i know i miss, the familiarity, the simple knowledge of the colour scheme in the corridors, but i know that eventually i will detach myself, and this saddens me. I dont want to, not yet.

I'm not quite there yet, but i will be.

Post-Newday2012. Yes, miracles happen.

Well then, last week was an eye opener.
From last Monday afternoon, until Sunday morning I was camping at the christian festival Newday. Last year as I mentioned before was my first time going, and this time I knew what to expect and knew the people around me on my site, making the whole week considerably more entertaining than last. Don't get me wrong, I love meeting new people, its just easier when you already know said people and can joke about more from the first day.

This year, I had the better mindset and insentive to wake up earlier whatever/wherever i am waking up to, therefore made it to the 9am prayer meetings, which really set me for the day. Up until recently I found it somewhat uncomfortable praying aloud, as unless I have suffiicient time to think of how to explain what I mean, as I am hopeless at using my words in a verbal context. However, the prayer meetings allowed me to practice and thus I have considerably improved.

I squeezed every last drop of what I could out of the event. I attended numerous seminars on topics from suffering to sex. It has to be said, the relationships seminar was most interesting. As you would expect, the notion of sexual relations outside of a marriage was discouraged, but did not make me feel regretful of anything I have done, or indeed plan to do. I feel bad that I don't feel bad.

The biggest and most significant evening for me personally was the healing evening. For over the past three years I had been suffering with tendon damage to my right thumb, and had severely weakened my ulnar collateral ligament due to repetitively snapping it.

The injury originated from a skiing accident on a dry skii slope, when I failed to perform a parallel turn. My left skii caught on my right and threw me to the ground. In the process, in a feeble attempt to stop myself tumbling down to the base of the decent my thumb was caught in one of the hexagonal holes between the brisles. It was wrenched backwards, ripping and snapping everything besides the bones.
As time went on, my tendons healed. However, where they welded themselves back together with a slight overlap, they had made themselves shorter, reducing motion and making them prone to tear under pressure. As an accidednt prone person, it created a vicious circle, until I had to give up my career as an amateur wicket keeper for the Norfolk Under 15s Cricket Team.
From then on I was unable to perform basic tasks without pain, such as hold a pen properly or open a bottle. I adapted, but continuously grew frustrated with myself. I am passionate about art, and I couldnt draw without my arm being in burning pain if I was drawing for prolonged periods of time. I wasn't going to give up something I love so dearly, so I prayed every day for over a half a year in desperation.
Finally, on the Friday evening, I gave it one last try. One last burning sesnation shot up my entire hand, then it went extremely cold. I opened my eyes. I walked over to Annabel, and held out my hand to her. We played a thumb-war, and I won. I writhed my thumb in every directon - no pain. I reached out for my boyfriends hand and pressed the back of his palm with it tightly, indicating to him what had just happened - and still no pain. I think that was the first time I've ever cried with happieness before. That evening I was also witness to a deaf man being given back his hearing, and one of my best friends giving himself to Christ.

Now I am home again, I have a new.perspective on things. It was one hell of a week, and as a result, I am perfectly content right about now. I am no longer anxious or scared of anything, and relish the idea of the next challenge that is thrust upon me.

Sorry this was an extremely long-winded one.

Signing off with a smile,
Pinchh

Ten somewhat rather convenient things.

Every so often, i dont know about you, but i realise how really utterly privilaged i am to have been born in the western world. As part of the culture, convenience is everywhere. Yes, it's technology based. I love it. I made an appreciative list of my favorites and everything.

1) Google.
This one may be somewhat obvious. Before google (b.g), if one wanted to know something, one had to either walk to the local library and whip out a book, or crack open one beastly-large encyclopedia. Now, you turn on your computer/phone/other smarte-arse device and punch in some keywords, then an overly-large amount of information from across the globe from throught time is bestowed upon you. Magic.

2) Smartphones
It's a computer in my pocket. Admittedly the majority of their battery-lives is abysmal, but oh so wonderfully available whenever i need it

3) Shazam
Hand-in-hand with the above, "Shazam" is an application that you can download onto your smartphone to listen to a snippet of a song, and through a wifi connection tell you what it is, being redicliuously accurate, and it takes a mere few seconds. Brilliant for discovering bands/musicians that have been used in adverts or soundtracks.

4 ) Spotify
After finding the name of a band referenced by a friend or that you have indeed "shazammed", Spotify enables you to find their music easily. The adverts inbetween songs are tedious, but for free it isnt half bad.

5) Microwave cooking.
Ovens? Gas rings? Sod that. I want some pasta, therefore shall empty a sachet into a plastic bowl, add some liquid of sorts, set the time to something under ten minutes, "beep" - done. Minimal effort required.

6) Dishwashers
I hate soggy food. It can even make me want to gag. Shove plates and that in a dishwasher and you dont have to bother with scrubbing at pastery slop from a previous meal. Job done.

7) Money
Again, pretty obvious. Money lets you buy things you want and need. It may be the "route of all evil" but you can at least drive a nice car whilst you're at it.

8) Facebook
Yeah, its time consuming and pointless in some respects, but you can't honestly tell me you haven't used it to stalk someone at somepoint.

9) The postal system
The nearest shop to where i live is four miles away. Via the internet i can order stuff from the comfort of my own home. Also, i can send/receive mail which is rather nice, and postcards are pretty.

10) Cameras
Enables you to capture a memory, beautiful scene, whatever you would like, and be able to share/show it to the world. Just, amazing.